It's 2:30 AM.....this is a dangerous time to expose my thoughts and feelings, but, nonetheless, I'm hoping this outlet will help so I can get some rest.
Update from yesterday: We got the fourth call to say we will be receiving an unfavorable home study but can meet with the director to appeal. We called him and he expressed his two concerns being our paycheck size and the number of children in our care and set up an appointment to meet with us next Tuesday.
My emotions at this point: shock, confusion, devastation, hurt...
What aches me, what is causing the throbbing in my head, the burning in my eyes and the knot in my stomach, is not the loss to me (although I can't even begin to think about explaining this to our kids) but to that child. To say that it is better for him to remain an orphan than to receive a home, our home, is the response of a goat, not a sheep. To say that we are too busy and don't have enough worldly wealth was the response of the priest and levite, not the samaritan. And yet thinking along these lines is what is causing me to lose yet another night of sleep.
So I've come to my Bible, and clinging to the hope and knowledge of God's sovereignty I read all the verses from my concordance that contain the word "praise." And I rest on this chapter from Psalm (43):
Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Friends, please continue to pray for us as we prepare for our final meeting with Catholic Charities next Tuesday as a last opportunity to show our ability to provide, physically and emotionally, for an orphan. Please pray that through this process we will dwell in the shelter of the Most High and rest in the shadow of the Almighty.