Ok, I know I JUST posted but I have one more thought to share and then I am going to bed!
I believe in....and find hope and peace and joy in....a sovereign God. I love this song by Jeremy Riddle (as well as all his others....he holds my personal "favorite artist of the year" award for three years in a row now):
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessing, in blessing
In blessing on your head
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
But trust Him for His grace
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face
His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain
God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time
In his own way....
The chorus says that the clouds are big with mercy and shall break in blessing... I don't believe that the blessing is necessarily getting what we want. The blessing is His purpose being fulfilled and Him receiving glory. And that is our ultimate desire.
Good night.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
story of the day
My heart sank this morning when a lightbulb went off as I was once again replaying our conversation with the director of CC in my mind. I knew exactly what had happened/was happening and I became sick to my stomach (of course, I've been maintaining a knotted stomach all week that would turn instantly nauseous everytime the phone rings until I would see on the caller id that it was not CC).
I invited Charlotte on a walk and she happily jumped in the wagon. We began pacing the campus until I could no longer contain my tears and we went and found Michael and hung out where he was working until lunchtime. I shared with him over lunch (what little I could stomach, even though it was delicious) my worse fear: Mr. Patin was only humoring us by letting us meet with him but was going to have nothing to do with the decision making. His social worker had already made up her mind and when he said we would hear from them hopefully by the end of the week, it would actually be by letter from the social worker.
I tried to nap the afternoon away and when Michael got home he called Mr. Patin. I was exactly right. He could not give us the reason for our rejection but said that it would be explained in the letter our social worker was sending us. I asked if he made the decision and he said that she did and he supported her and I asked if the letter was how they were planning on informing us and he said "yes". We exchanged many other words, of which I see no need to repeat, because the bottom line is we are done working with Catholic Charities.
I was so frustrated this morning because I was experiencing anxiety like never before. I kept praying Phil. 4:6-7 and begging for peace but was really struggling. Amazingly....thankfully....I'm now resting in His peace once again (doesn't mean I might not burst into tears when asked how I'm doing or empathy is expressed). Yes, I'm disappointed and no, I don't understand. We will explore our other options and continue to pray for wisdom and guidance and clarity. In the meantime...
...I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
I invited Charlotte on a walk and she happily jumped in the wagon. We began pacing the campus until I could no longer contain my tears and we went and found Michael and hung out where he was working until lunchtime. I shared with him over lunch (what little I could stomach, even though it was delicious) my worse fear: Mr. Patin was only humoring us by letting us meet with him but was going to have nothing to do with the decision making. His social worker had already made up her mind and when he said we would hear from them hopefully by the end of the week, it would actually be by letter from the social worker.
I tried to nap the afternoon away and when Michael got home he called Mr. Patin. I was exactly right. He could not give us the reason for our rejection but said that it would be explained in the letter our social worker was sending us. I asked if he made the decision and he said that she did and he supported her and I asked if the letter was how they were planning on informing us and he said "yes". We exchanged many other words, of which I see no need to repeat, because the bottom line is we are done working with Catholic Charities.
I was so frustrated this morning because I was experiencing anxiety like never before. I kept praying Phil. 4:6-7 and begging for peace but was really struggling. Amazingly....thankfully....I'm now resting in His peace once again (doesn't mean I might not burst into tears when asked how I'm doing or empathy is expressed). Yes, I'm disappointed and no, I don't understand. We will explore our other options and continue to pray for wisdom and guidance and clarity. In the meantime...
...I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
more waiting for an answer
Well, we met. I'm spent. The director of CC said he'll get back to us by the end of the week, hopefully, with an answer. I'm too exhausted, mentally and emotionally, to go into the details of the meeting....maybe later. Everything seemed positive, but from our past interactions and a few comments he made (more about himself than us) I'm not expecting a change in their answer but still praying for one.
I'm wishing that I had blogged earlier about the similarities of adoption and pregnancy. Anyone who has experienced both knows the amazing comparison very well. Not going to go through all the stages right now, but for those who have been pregnant, perhaps you can identify with some of our emotions at this stage through this analogy. Last week's call from our social worker was like getting a call from your doctor a few weeks after your big 20-wk sonogram saying that there looks like there's something terminally wrong with your pregnancy. This shocks you because up until this point, everything seems normal and good with your pregnancy, right down to that day that you first saw your baby squirming around the monitor as the tech smeared cold jelly around your belly with her wand. So, naturally, you want a second opinion from a specialist. Today we had the specialist review our tapes and are waiting for his opinion.
Now, to save some of you from making a well-meaning yet insensitive comment, while we are certainly praying for the Lord's will, one would never say to that expectant mom that if this baby does indeed die God must not want for her to give birth and she should give up trying to get pregnant again. We are trying to process what's at hand right now with Catholic Charities. If our relationship does indeed come to an end this week, we will then look to where to go from there, and until we sense otherwise, at this point we are not doubting the burden and desire that is on our heart to grow our family through adoption.
I again cannot express our gratitude for all of the support we have received during this week. I will update again once we hear back from CC.
Praying Romans 15:13 for us right now: May the God of all hope fill (us) with all joy and peace as (we) trust in him, so that (we) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I'm wishing that I had blogged earlier about the similarities of adoption and pregnancy. Anyone who has experienced both knows the amazing comparison very well. Not going to go through all the stages right now, but for those who have been pregnant, perhaps you can identify with some of our emotions at this stage through this analogy. Last week's call from our social worker was like getting a call from your doctor a few weeks after your big 20-wk sonogram saying that there looks like there's something terminally wrong with your pregnancy. This shocks you because up until this point, everything seems normal and good with your pregnancy, right down to that day that you first saw your baby squirming around the monitor as the tech smeared cold jelly around your belly with her wand. So, naturally, you want a second opinion from a specialist. Today we had the specialist review our tapes and are waiting for his opinion.
Now, to save some of you from making a well-meaning yet insensitive comment, while we are certainly praying for the Lord's will, one would never say to that expectant mom that if this baby does indeed die God must not want for her to give birth and she should give up trying to get pregnant again. We are trying to process what's at hand right now with Catholic Charities. If our relationship does indeed come to an end this week, we will then look to where to go from there, and until we sense otherwise, at this point we are not doubting the burden and desire that is on our heart to grow our family through adoption.
I again cannot express our gratitude for all of the support we have received during this week. I will update again once we hear back from CC.
Praying Romans 15:13 for us right now: May the God of all hope fill (us) with all joy and peace as (we) trust in him, so that (we) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
2:00
We have our appeal meeting this afternoon with our home study agency.....trying to not be anxious and continuing to pray that their hearts will be softened to the needs of the least of these and they will see their role in providing hope and a home for one.
On another note....our garage sale fundraiser this weekend brought in over $1400 (and still counting...there are a couple more people that took home goods and plan to drop off their donation)! We are so thankful for our community and God's provision.
On another note....our garage sale fundraiser this weekend brought in over $1400 (and still counting...there are a couple more people that took home goods and plan to drop off their donation)! We are so thankful for our community and God's provision.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
a few randoms....
1. We have been very blessed by the support and encouragement from our community, friends, family and fellow believers who don't even know us.....THANK YOU!!!!
2. We shared with our kids last night what is going on. Charlotte (3), of course, is oblivious. Madison (8) thinks that they will change their minds after our meeting on Tues. so it's ok. Ian (6) is crushed and broken; I held him and we wept together for a long time. Connor (5) wants to know if we are going to tell the people that said we can't adopt that that child (in Ethiopia) is going to be very sad. We also told our girls (dormstudents) and they are very disappointed and want to know if they can write "persuasive letters" to the agency.
3. We had our fundraiser garage sale scheduled for this weekend. We've received a ton of donated items and have had a great response of support from our community. Whether or not this situation turns out the way we desire and hope, this is still an adoption fundraiser garage sale and there are still 143 million orphans needing help being placed with a forever family, so the sale will still happen and we still pray that God does amazing things through it, both in raising funds and spreading awareness for adoption.
2. We shared with our kids last night what is going on. Charlotte (3), of course, is oblivious. Madison (8) thinks that they will change their minds after our meeting on Tues. so it's ok. Ian (6) is crushed and broken; I held him and we wept together for a long time. Connor (5) wants to know if we are going to tell the people that said we can't adopt that that child (in Ethiopia) is going to be very sad. We also told our girls (dormstudents) and they are very disappointed and want to know if they can write "persuasive letters" to the agency.
3. We had our fundraiser garage sale scheduled for this weekend. We've received a ton of donated items and have had a great response of support from our community. Whether or not this situation turns out the way we desire and hope, this is still an adoption fundraiser garage sale and there are still 143 million orphans needing help being placed with a forever family, so the sale will still happen and we still pray that God does amazing things through it, both in raising funds and spreading awareness for adoption.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I will praise Him in the storm
It's 2:30 AM.....this is a dangerous time to expose my thoughts and feelings, but, nonetheless, I'm hoping this outlet will help so I can get some rest.
Update from yesterday: We got the fourth call to say we will be receiving an unfavorable home study but can meet with the director to appeal. We called him and he expressed his two concerns being our paycheck size and the number of children in our care and set up an appointment to meet with us next Tuesday.
My emotions at this point: shock, confusion, devastation, hurt...
What aches me, what is causing the throbbing in my head, the burning in my eyes and the knot in my stomach, is not the loss to me (although I can't even begin to think about explaining this to our kids) but to that child. To say that it is better for him to remain an orphan than to receive a home, our home, is the response of a goat, not a sheep. To say that we are too busy and don't have enough worldly wealth was the response of the priest and levite, not the samaritan. And yet thinking along these lines is what is causing me to lose yet another night of sleep.
So I've come to my Bible, and clinging to the hope and knowledge of God's sovereignty I read all the verses from my concordance that contain the word "praise." And I rest on this chapter from Psalm (43):
Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Friends, please continue to pray for us as we prepare for our final meeting with Catholic Charities next Tuesday as a last opportunity to show our ability to provide, physically and emotionally, for an orphan. Please pray that through this process we will dwell in the shelter of the Most High and rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Thank you.
Update from yesterday: We got the fourth call to say we will be receiving an unfavorable home study but can meet with the director to appeal. We called him and he expressed his two concerns being our paycheck size and the number of children in our care and set up an appointment to meet with us next Tuesday.
My emotions at this point: shock, confusion, devastation, hurt...
What aches me, what is causing the throbbing in my head, the burning in my eyes and the knot in my stomach, is not the loss to me (although I can't even begin to think about explaining this to our kids) but to that child. To say that it is better for him to remain an orphan than to receive a home, our home, is the response of a goat, not a sheep. To say that we are too busy and don't have enough worldly wealth was the response of the priest and levite, not the samaritan. And yet thinking along these lines is what is causing me to lose yet another night of sleep.
So I've come to my Bible, and clinging to the hope and knowledge of God's sovereignty I read all the verses from my concordance that contain the word "praise." And I rest on this chapter from Psalm (43):
Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Friends, please continue to pray for us as we prepare for our final meeting with Catholic Charities next Tuesday as a last opportunity to show our ability to provide, physically and emotionally, for an orphan. Please pray that through this process we will dwell in the shelter of the Most High and rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Thank you.
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