it is well with my soul

God's been driving a lesson in me over the past month, perhaps for such a time as this. You see, I struggle with feelings. (Hello, I'm a woman!) I let my circumstances dictate whether or not I feel like displaying joy, even though I believe joy doesn't come from circumstances.

This lesson began about a month ago when I didn't get my way about something and I pouted and snapped into cynical mode. I was wallowing in "discouragement." Then one day, when I realized I was feeling encouraged and that that was because of my circumstances - the ones I would not have chosen for myself - that were really turning out for the better, conviction rained down. And then I read Habbakuk. Habbakuk struggled with the LORD, questioning the circumstances and not understanding or liking what was going on, not seeing His purposes...and then it ends with this:

"though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior"

Yesterday we got a phone call from our social worker. Not good. She said she is not going to give us a favorable home study because we don't make enough money. Ok, first of all, our income was the first thing we discussed and information we gave, so to bring this up now, after so much time and money has been invested in this process, is a bit aggravating, but that's really not our focus. The fact is, we don't make much money. The reality is, our paycheck may seem puny for a large family, but that is because we work for a ministry that provides our housing, utilities and food as part of our compensation package so our salary reflects that.

+++++side note: (my ADD is kicking in) I can't figure out how to get the blockquote formatting off, so my apologies for the formatting of this post.+++++++

Back to our conversation.....Our social worker has every bit of our financial information. She can clearly see that we are very far from struggling financially, that we are very responsible with our finances and can more than adequately provide for another child in this family. So we talk it out and she agrees with me that her reasoning is not legit but says that her supervisor looked at the case and made the call. So, naturally, we want to speak with the supervisor. All day we wait for her to return our calls.

Finally the supervisor calls and we have our first opportunity to share with her. She asks a ton of questions, seems to understand that her ruling was made prematurely without her getting the whole picture and says she'll talk to our social worker and call us back soon. She did. Now the third call to tell us they just won't do it. So we talk some more. She asks a lot of questions, trying to understand our life, because we agree with her that it "sounds" crazy to have four little kids of your own and at the same time be raising 14 teenage girls, for a total of 18 kids under your roof, while depositing a check that you would think only supports a single person. It does look bad on paper, which is why we discussed all of these factors BEFORE we began this whole process, because when you see it in action, you understand.

The third call ended more hopeful (of course, I had an ounce of hope after the second call, too). She said that when she hears our heart and explanations for all their concerns, her emotions say there's no problem, let's proceed, but when she gets off the phone and looks at those darn figures on the paper, she says no. BUT, she said she is going to pray about it and take our case to their director and call us back.

So I don't know what is going to happen. I know what I want. I know what I think is best. I can really get worked up when I think about the whole picture and I really struggle with the thought of them making a final "unfavorable" ruling if they truly are advocates for the least of these....but, in the midst of my tears, I can honestly say I have peace - and joy - because God is God despite my circumstances being what I want and He is deserving of my praise whether or not I appreciate what I have been given.

I love worship music and scripture memorization, and various lines have been flooding through my mind (if only I were in a sleep state at this awful hour)...

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand stands one who is my Savior...

Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name....

habbakuk 3:17-18 ....

etc. etc. etc.

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trumps shall resound and the Lord shall descend

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

at least I have a clean house

Today was our final home study visit. I was hoping our social worker would say that she would return to her office, finish up the rough draft and submit it to our agency for approval. Sadly, we're not quite there yet. We are still waiting on our fingerprint results (which she estimates will be another six weeks - grrrr) and a few references that haven't been returned. So, there's nothing left for us to do but fight being anxious. Praying for a quick, smooth process, and that our fingerprints are accepted the first time around (I'm a little nervous about that).

are we really adopting?

I haven't posted in a while because the process has been uneventful lately. We're waiting for our last home study visit (Aug. 3rd) and so it feels like we're not progressing in the process right now. I joined a chat group for all the families working with our agency to adopt from ET and it has been exciting to see all of the referrals and court passings of the other families. As each family hits a milestone in the process they post it to the group and everyone celebrates....and I begin to wonder if we're really on this same path and if we will ever be the couple in the video standing on the street outside the transition home when the door opens and out walks a humble lady with a babe in arms to present him to his new forever family.

But tonight we took a little step that recharged us. We had two hours of online training left so we took a class called "multicultural and transracial adoption." Upon finishing the class we both got lost in our laptops, eagerly searching the web....Michael for history and cultural information (complete with listening to Ethiopian music) and me for safari themed room decor. :)

Orphaned Project

I have to admit, I have not checked out this website yet, but the video speaks for itself. I love that it says "if you see me, you can help." This is exactly what changed Michael's heart for the orphan. If you haven't heard about his dream, you've gotta ask him!!!

One of the most quoted scripture in support of orphan care is James 1:27, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world." So I've been thinking about this verse alot as I try not to feel hurt by the few fellow believers who have sneered at our decision to adopt. I think that response comes from world pollution. The Bible tells us to love our neighbor and doesn't make that command contingent on our neighbor's skin color. The world tells us to protect our own race and put ourselves before others. Jesus was among the poor and close to the broken, the world looks at the starving and disease stricken and turns its face away.

I know, I've done it, it's easy to ignore because we don't have orphans/extreme poverty in our face everyday. But the truth is, and we all know it, they're out there, and I believe they are our responsibility. I AM NOT JUDGING THOSE WHO HAVE NOT/ARE NOT GOING TO ADOPT because I know that I fall short of keeping God's commands every moment of every day, and not every family is able to open their home or is necessarily called to do so. But, I do have a passion to share the need, as my eyes have become more open to the need, and there are many ways to help look after widows and orphans besides adoption. Also, I guess I'm feeling a little defensive at the moment so please excuse my ranting and don't take it personally!

everyone needs compassion

I've been challenged by Tom Davis' book Red Letters: Living a Faith that Bleeds, in which the author primarily speaks of the AIDS/poverty crisis in Africa. In the chapter titled "an inadequate response" Davis exposes and confronts our excuses for not being more compassionate and invovled, and, frankly, brings some necessary shame on the American church as a whole.

As Christ followers, we have a theolgoical understanding of both evil and redemption. This understanding ought to compel us to show the world how to respond to suffering and indifference. Jesus knew the dangers of getting caught up in religiosity. [note the story of the good samaritan] And he wasn't afraid to speak his mind on such matters because Jesus had only one thing on his heart: what matters most to his Father.

I can only read this book in small doses because the harsh statistics and stories of everyday life of African citizens are quite disheartening. Picking up this book was actually a response to our already burden for the pandemic in Africa. But compassion is needed in more ways than response to humanitarian crises.

I confess, I haven't had "only one thing" on my heart lately. I've been consumed with and distracted by this adoption. Has my baby been born yet? Does his mother know she won't get to raise him? When will we be DTE (Dossier To Ethiopia--officially begins our wait for a referral)? Will we even have enough money to submit our dossier by the time it is finished? Etc. Etc. I've been brought back to the chorus in one of Jeremy Riddle's (my current favorite artist) songs:

Oh, to be like you
Oh, to reflect the God I know, the love you've shown
This is my longing
This is my deepest, strongest plea
LORD, change me!!

I've been so caught up in my self that I have been missing too many opportunities to reflect the Lord and his love. I knew before we started this adoption process that my obsessive personality would struggle with getting consumed by the whole thing. That's why I love this prayer. Often we pray, "Lord make me more...patient, loving...." you fill in the blank. To be like God, I don't need an increase of myself, I need to be changed!!

So, if you want to know how to pray for me through this process, pray that my eyes will be fixed on Jesus. Also, you can join me in prayer not only for the child that will become part of our family, but for the woman that will be losing him. I'm not sure who my heart breaks for the most...our baby or his mother. :(

can't chase fast enough

For those of you who are wondering where we're at in the adoption process and what our timeframe is, here's a little update...

We have been "paper chasing," or collecting the necessary documents to submit to the Ethiopian government as part of our dossier. We just scheduled our first home study visit for next Thursday and part of what the home study social worker does is guide us through the fingerprinting, background checks, and compiles a detailed report about our family and living conditions. They tell me this should take about three months. Once the homestudy is complete, we will send a copy (along with a few other documents) to the United States Citizenship Immigration Services with our I-600A application, which once approved will allow us to bring an international child to the US. That approval is the final piece to completing our dossier, so after everything is received, notarized and authenticated we will send it to our agency for final review and then it is off to Ethiopia. Apparently this entire process takes 4-6 months, but don't you know I'm doing everything I can to expedite it!

Once our dossier is sent to Ethiopia we can expect to wait 4-6 months for a referral (or "the call"). Our referral will include a child's picture and all the available medical and background information on that child. We will have one week to decide if we want to accept or reject that referral. After we accept a referral, we will be given a court date (probably scheduled for 3-6 weeks later...I think), for which we will have to appear in person (in Ethiopia). This trip will be approximately 5-7 days long and we will get to spend time with our child while there. After we pass court we return home and wait another 4-6 weeks for all of the paperwork to be finalized before we go back to Ethiopia (for about 4 days!) to pick up our child and bring him home!

So.....hopefully by this time next year we at least know what our child looks like, if not have even smootched his little cheeks!

"about me"

So I avoided filling out the "about me" section on this little blog for a long time because I didn't want to resort to the typical "wife, mother, friend.." fluffy list and I didn't really want to "talk about myself", but one day last week when finally posting a profile picture (of course I had to include my awesome husband in that) I decided to share the verse that has been a strong desire of my heart lately and reoccuring thought in my daily life.

Philippians 3:10-11 - I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I have been confused by this verse because I feel like I desire what Paul is speaking of, and yet I know I don't fully grasp the depth of the meaning. Yesterday morning, after another sleepless night filled with prayer and frustration, conviction hit. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our job and who may be reading this, I have to omit details, but in short, we have had the most trying bunch of girls in our dorm this summer. Praying Philippians 3:10-11 is the next worse thing to praying for patients!

You know (if you're a parent), how you think you "know" about the love of our Father, but when you become a father (mother) your understanding deepens? I feel like this short week and a half with these girls has been a gift of a deeper understanding of the agony our Lord felt as he sacrificed himself for those he cared deeply for while they (I) spat in his face. Ok, don't get me wrong, what I have been through the past few days does not compare to what Christ went through and I know that. That's where the conviction came in. I was feeling sorry for myself and starting to gather my pennies to save up to take next summer off when I realized that this was what I wanted! I don't want to grow complacent and the Lord knows that this is the kind of thing I need to kindle the fire in my heart that I may "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."